How to Use a Public Restroom

A Modern Survival Guide Interlude

Image for post
Image for post
  • DO wipe the seat before and after you sit.
  • DO sit on the seat if you are moving your bowels.¹
  • DO flush.
  • DO clean up after yourself.
  • DO check the stall to see if someone is occupying it before jiggling the handle.
  • DO keep your feet and clothing inside your stall.
  • DO check to see if there is toilet paper before doing anything in a stall.
  • DO keep proper separation between urinal users (men, you know what I’m talking about).
  • DO wash your hands.
  • DO wipe up the water you dripped on the sink edge after washing your hands.
  • DO throw away your paper towels.
  • DO make sure you throw away your paper towels inside a trash receptacle.
  • DO report things that need fixing or cleaning.
  • DON’T miss!!!
  • DON’T leave the seat down if you’re taking a leak!!!
  • DON’T leave a dirty stall!
  • DON’T try to make conversation!
  • DON’T look at other people’s junk!
  • DON’T talk on your phone!²
  • DON’T leave paper on the floor!
  • DON’T throw paper towels in the sink!
  • DON’T leave poorly spelled or anatomically incorrect graffiti!³
  • DON’T groan or make other weird noises!
  • DON’T masturbate!
  • DON’T wipe your snot on the stall walls or sink top!⁴
  • DON’T leave used toilet paper anywhere but in the toilet!
  • DON’T forget to wash your hands!

Searching for truth in a world focused on belief.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store