The Modern Survival Guide #116

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

The Seven Basics of Good Sex

These aren’t hard, or particularly complicated, but there are a few things you can do to have good sex reliably, and here they are:

  1. Know and honor your partner’s limits
  2. Practice being GGG (good, giving, and game)
  3. Communicate what feels good, when it feels good
  4. Attend to the ambiance
  5. Do your research
  6. Take advantage of help

1: Get Consent for Everything

This is the simplest, easiest, most absolutely necessary thing that you need to do to have good sex: whatever you’re doing, get consent before you do it. I’ve heard people express shock at this statement, because they think consent should be implied, or complain that it breaks up the moment, and frankly they’re wrong.

2: Know and Honor Your Partner’s Limits

This is a closely related topic to consent — every person has limits to what they find enjoyable during sex. Not everyone has the same limits, and not everyone enjoys the same things. So make no assumptions going in, and pay attention to what your partner is telling you.

3: Practice Being GGG — Good, Giving, and Game

Part of the key to good sex is to play with what you’re given. Practice makes perfect, and if you want to have good sex you’ll need to practice. You are not going to be a sex master on day one, and if you’ve been told you’re a sex master now, be aware that such a distinction probably only applies to your interactions with one specific partner. Different people like different things. Practice means learning your partner’s needs and wants as well as your own, communicating that information, and then working to get good at the things they like.

4: Communicate What Feels Good, When it Feels Good

Communication is absolutely critical to good sex. You and your partner are (presumably) not mind readers. That means that you need to leave assumptions at the door. Your partner is never going to know precisely what feels good or bad to you unless you tell them. And let’s dispense with the fiction that telling them one time is going to be enough; sex is a hormone-fueled, mind-altered act, and people’s memories are not necessarily the best when in mid-romp.

5: Attend to the Ambiance

Most good sex happens in the mind. Let me explain what that means — good sex requires two people to be having a good time, and that means that they need to be comfortable, trusting, communicating, and aroused before anything else. This is all part of being “in the mood,” and it usually requires a little preparation, a little seduction, and some attention to detail. Let’s look at a few key points:

  • Hygiene: Folks, I’m not even going to try to sugar coat this — wash your butts. Fellas, wash your balls. Everyone, wash your pits and various crevices. And for the love of God, wash your hands. There are a few odors that burn their way into the mind as immediate turn-offs, and horrible body odor is right at the top of that list for the majority of people. At the same time, keeping clean is critical to avoiding urinary tract infections and other minor illnesses. So in most cases, and especially when you’re going in for the first time with a new partner, being clean is a fairly important part of good sex.³
  • Music: Setting the right atmosphere can go a long way towards good sex, and music is right at the top of the list of things that most people can do to influence the atmosphere with nothing more than their phone or a radio. Find something you both like, that gives the right vibes, and play it.
  • Food: Good sex requires that both parties are comfortable. That means not hungry, and not overstuffed. I’ve never had good sex after eating a huge meal; that’s a time for good naps, not good sex. Also, certain foods are often considered more sexy than others. A nice glass of wine, chocolate, sweet fruits, that kind of thing. Food is like a lot of other things in sex, if you experiment a little bit you’ll probably find something that compliments the situation.
  • Protection: Most of us use one or another of the various forms of protection from accidental pregnancy (condoms, birth control, IUDs, etc). Whatever your chosen method, have things ready in advance if at all possible. Few things ruin the moment more than having to search the house for the Trojans.
  • Seduction: Last but most critically, good sex usually requires some seduction and foreplay. Don’t just walk into a room and expect the other person to be ready to bang. Whispers in the ear, using your bedroom voice, kissing, nibbles on the neck, wearing lingerie, massage — look, I’m not going to list all the methods of seduction, go read any of the eight billion articles that come up in a Google search on that subject. But then be seductive when you want to get your partner in the mood.

6: Do Your Research

Hey, speaking of articles on sex, do you know what the internet is an excellent tool for? If you said sex research, you’re right! Just not porn. Let’s get that out of the way — porn is performance art, not sex, and should not be interpreted as a research tool for sex. The absolute worst thing that anyone can do is to assume that porn sex is the way to have real sex. But I digress.

7: Take Advantage of Help

Last but by no means least, remember that we live in a world where almost anything that you could imagine that might help you during sex has been invented or is on a drawing board somewhere. Use those things as and when you need to.

Bringing it all Together

Good sex very rarely just happens. It’s almost always the result of a series of deliberate, planned actions by everyone involved. So let that be the takeaway. I think that the accomplishment of these seven points are what makes for good sex, most of the time, for most people. But you, personally, are going to have your own opinions on what is good sex for you and, within reason, your opinion is just as valuable and relevant as mine.⁵

Searching for truth in a world focused on belief.