How to Politely Disagree

An Article of the Modern Survival Guide

Photo by SHVETS production from Pexels

People do not always hold the same opinions. Shocking, I know — you heard it on the internet, folks! But true, nonetheless: no matter how right you think you are, someone out there disagrees with your opinion on… well… pretty much everything. One of the big selling points of modern society is that we do not, generally, kill one another over disagreements anymore. We have found a better way, which mostly boils down to “live and let live.” This is because disagreements often run the risk of creating opponents, and most of us don’t need the stress.

However, there will be times when you need to disagree with someone without turning them into an opponent or an enemy¹. Many of us are currently experiencing one of those times. COVID has provided ample cases where it is important for us to disagree, but politely, so that there’s a chance the other person will actually listen to us and not disinvite us from Thanksgiving dinner. Let’s talk about how to do that.

The 10 Points of Polite Disagreement

In the first place, we should all have a quick come-to-Jesus moment, as they say in the South, or as they say everywhere else, a moment of clarity. There is very little you can do to make someone agree with you. I have a whole separate article on that. Therefore, for our purposes here we are less interested in immediately changing someone else’s mind, and more interested in getting them to hear us and respect us when it’s all over.

Next, it’s important to remember that a conversation that involves polite disagreement is a bit like a bloodless military engagement. Your goal is to maneuver around your opponent without coming to blows, ending in an advantageous position. To that end, you need to have a strategy, you need to execute your strategy, and you need to be prepared when your strategy stops working. You metaphorical goal is to meet your opponent halfway across the field under a flag of truce, and negotiate an end to the conflict. Not to take the field against one another.

In short, you want to avoid turning a disagreement into a fight. That’s all this article is about. A disagreement ends with two sides generally respecting each other, and if they’re lucky, understanding the perspective of the other side. A fight ends with battle lines being drawn (metaphorically and, sometimes, literally). If you’re interested in polite disagreement, you are by definition trying to avoid a fight.

There are at least ten things that we must do to achieve that goal, and here they are:

1. BE POLITE: It’s in the article title, this shouldn’t be a surprise. No insults, no cursing, no sarcasm, no condescension, no belittlement, and precious little humor should be used in any disagreement that you want to stay amicable. Also, control your face and try to avoid expressions of frustration, exasperation, or levity. All of these things will eventually turn the discussion sour.
2. AVOID MORAL CERTAINTY: Nothing, and I mean nothing, will turn a disagreement into a fight faster than one side claiming moral superiority. This means you don’t call the other person evil, you don’t resort to religion, and you try to stay away from politics. Moral certainty on one side leads to a defensive reaction on the other, and defensive reactions shut down conversation as emotions turn on and the brain turns off.
3. AVOID ABSOLUTES: Only a Sith deals in absolutes. Non-Star Wars-nerds, you’ll have to look that one up. An absolutist position leaves no room for the other party to have an opinion, triggering aforementioned defensive reactions, and then you’ve got a fight.² Similarly, you want to stay away from any, and I mean any, version of the phrase “because God said so,” if you’re interested in maintaining an amicable disagreement.
4. HAVE SOURCES: Shocking though this may be, most people are not going to immediately assume your opinion is correct if they hold a differing opinion. Weird, ain’t it? Therefore you will want to have something to back you up. Note that your sources should be nonpartisan, scientific, and if possible peer-reviewed.
5. USE QUESTIONS, NOT STATEMENTS, WHEN POSSIBLE: This goes hand-in-hand with #4, you don’t want to immediately trot out all of your sources. That’s perceived as an attack. Instead, use questions to draw the conversation to your opinion, and then trot out the source. An example of this tactic might be something like: “I think I saw an article about this the other day, did you see that? Hang on, let me look for it… yeah, this one.”
6. USE “I THINK” WHEN YOU MUST MAKE A STATEMENT: Similar to #5, and building off of #3, you want to say “I think” far more often than “I know.” Saying “I think” leaves room for the other party to have an opinion and also opens the path for you to present evidence.
7. ASK WHAT THE OTHER PERSON THINKS: Everyone likes to feel included, and you shouldn’t spend the entire conversation talking. Ask what your opponent thinks about the subject in question. Ask them why they think that. In short, get them thinking and involved.
8. AVOID INTERJECTIONS: Let the other person talk. Don’t let them dominate the conversation, but let them talk. Do not cut them off. Do not give in to verbal tics (things like “uh huh,” “right,” “mmm hmm,” and “uhhh”). Do not say things like “Can I have some time to talk?” If you can’t get a word in edgewise, let the other person talk themselves out, then say your piece. This assumes you have set aside time to have such a discussion, but really, if you haven’t, why bother?
9. STATE FRIENDSHIP/KINSHIP/LOVE: You want to make sure the other person recognizes that you value them. They are much more likely to listen to you if they think they matter to you. So, tell them they matter. It doesn’t have to be overt, and probably shouldn’t be, but if you can lace this kind of thing into conversation it will go far in keeping the other person from turning you off. For example, it’s much better to say something like “I’m so glad we could talk about this, I knew you’d listen to me,” rather than “As a friend, I think you need to know where I’m coming from.” The first statement is inclusive, the second is damn-near confrontational.
10. COME TO A RESOLUTION: Last but by no means least, try to find something the two of you can agree on, or an effective compromise that allows you to still be cool with the other person. This is important, and we’ll touch on it more later.

If you follow these ten pointers, you will probably have a much better time in your next disagreement. However, there are some times when you can’t have a disagreement.

When to Cut and Run

In short, there are some things that we can politely disagree over, and there are some times where the only option is to live and let live. In general, you don’t want to bother with having a polite disagreement in the following circumstances:

• If your life is in danger, get out. It’s no good having a polite disagreement with an abuser, for example, because they do not value you as a human being by default. Cut and run. Do not pass “go.” Do not collect $200. Get out.
• If the other person is denying your right to exist, save your breath. Similar to the first point, if someone doesn’t see that you have the right to exist as a person, you’re not likely to convince them of anything. There are some things you can do to bring them around, but a polite disagreement likely isn’t the first choice, and may be dangerous to boot.
• If your livelihood is in danger, plan first. If your employer is a rampant bigot, but you need the job, well… you’re kind of screwed. Start looking for another job, but keep food on your plate first. You should carefully weigh any circumstance where your ability to survive would be compromised by a disagreement. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have that disagreement, I’m saying make sure you know how you’re going to eat afterwards.
• If the other person is beyond conversation, don’t bother. This applies to a great many religious people, unfortunately. If every polite disagreement turns into a sermon, you’re wasting your time. They might change their opinion, but conversation with you probably won’t do the trick. You will probably need to distance yourself from such a person at some point, if only to save your sanity.
• If the other person is an asshole, save yourself the trouble. One of the defining characteristics of anyone we might describe as an asshole is that they don’t care about the opinions of others. If someone doesn’t care about your opinion at all, why bother trying to explain it to them? Curate that person out of your life, if you can, or avoid them as much as possible if you can’t.
• If you keep having the same conversation, stop. A polite disagreement needs to end at some point, or it stops being polite and simply becomes tedious. If someone keeps raising the same issue with you, and neither of you is convincing the other, it’s time to politely but firmly ask to change the subject.

You’ll probably think of several other cases where polite disagreement simply isn’t in the cards, but this is a good starting set. In these cases, you should notice that the end step is usually the same: avoid the other person if you can. If you can’t you may be dealing with an abusive personality, and it may be time to take other measures.

The Goal of Polite Disagreement

To wrap this up, let’s talk about the goal of the whole thing, the end state you want to achieve:

The point of polite disagreement is to avoid conflict.

That’s it. If you can sway the other person to your way of thinking, it’s a nice bonus. But the key point is to identify, address, and defuse a potential point of conflict that if left to its own devices would eventually cause a rift between you and the other person.³

Sometimes that means that you compromise. Sometimes that means that you need to adjust your behavior. Sometimes it means that they need to adjust their behavior. Sometimes it means that you need to take steps to cut the other person out of your life (this can be especially true of family, unfortunately).

But folks, that’s it. Your odds of actually changing anyone’s mind are laughably low, so the only point of politely disagreeing with someone is to lay out your opinion, listen to their opinion, and come to a resolution point where the two of you can agree on a path forward.

If you can come to a resolution that allows both of you to be around each other, avoid a conflict point, and hopefully continue to enjoy each others’ presence, that has been an extremely effective polite disagreement. That’s it. that’s all. That’s enough.

If you liked this article, check out the Modern Survival Guide Volume I, and my current work on Volume II! It’s an utterly random assortment of things I think people ought to know; there’s something in there for everyone.

¹There is a difference between an opponent and an enemy. An opponent is someone who is opposed to your interests, but not opposed to your person (i.e., your right to exist or to be yourself). An enemy is someone who is opposed to your person, and therefore opposed to your interests. They are not the same. If you have to choose between the two, pick an opponent. Opponents can be useful; enemies generally just get in the way.

²In other words, couch your phrasing in such a way that you’re not presenting your opinion as the only possible opinion. This might take some practice for those of you who frequent chat rooms and comment sections online.

³If you want a rift between you or the other person, or you don’t care if one exists, you can feel free to have a fight.