The Conduct of a Gentleman

An article of The Modern Survival Guide, Vol. II

Photo by Ono Kosuki from Pexels

I find the whole concept of being a “gentleman” oddly fascinating. That’s a good place to start — you have this image of a man vs. a gentleman, simply by virtue of the language, which in and of itself sets up an opposed structure. A man is not a gentleman at the start; it’s something we earn or achieve. Masculinity is something of a fraught subject these days, and of course that makes it interesting to me, so I’m devoting a little time in this essay from the Modern Survival Guide to talk about what it means to be a gentleman: the code of conduct it entails, and why it’s a good thing at all.

What is a Gentleman?

Let’s start with a dictionary definition: a gentleman is any man of good and courteous conduct. That’s not an enormous amount of help, when you think about it, because then we have to define “good” and “courteous,” but it does lay some groundwork. First, a gentleman can be any man. Despite the popular imagery, including that used by the picture headlining this article, there is no requirement for wealth, status, race, or social connections for a man to be a gentleman.¹ You don’t have to wear a suit. You don’t have to be dapper. You don’t have to have a suave accent. None of these things make a man a gentleman. It is the man’s conduct, not his bank account, accent, clothing, or birth, that defines him as a gentleman.

Second, a gentleman must be good and courteous. What those words mean we’ll get to in a moment, but the point to be made here is that “gentleman” is an exclusionary and conditional category. There are things you can do which disqualify you from claiming to be a gentleman. Not all of us are gentlemen, and not all gentlemen will remain gentlemen all the time. In fact, it’s extraordinarily likely that someone who is a gentleman today might not be a gentleman tomorrow. This is because, again, it is a gentleman’s conduct which defines him, and “conduct” is a variable. Calling someone a gentleman is a bit like saying you like their suit. It’s a compliment, it implies good things, and it ceases to be relevant when they take the suit off.

Now let’s get back to those two little words, “good” and “courteous.” This is to say that it is good to be a gentleman, and we expect gentlemen to be good. These are easy things to get twisted, especially considering the history of the concept of “gentlemen.” There are a lot of connotations bound up in that word which are not necessarily in line with “good” and “courteous,” and if you search for articles on the internet that talk about what it means to be a gentleman, you’ll find a lot of mildly toxic material.² We want to avoid that, for obvious reasons.

The concepts of “good” and “courteous” are probably too broad to cover in depth in this article; these are things that people more typically write books about. Instead, I’m going to break down some core concepts of conduct that I think go into the idea of a “gentleman” in particular, as opposed to just falling into the broader definition of “decent human being.” Admittedly, there may be some overlap, but I think there are ten qualities we can highlight, and a final one that stands out:

1. A gentleman is kind: WHEN IN DOUBT, BE KIND. I feel like most of us need that maxim tattooed on our arm. A gentleman is kind to others as a matter of course, and avoids intentionally causing harm whenever possible.
2. A gentleman is generous: To be a gentleman is to consider the welfare of others, and to be generous with your time, resources, and expertise for the benefit of others and your community.
3. A gentleman is thoughtful: Gentlemen think about their actions, preferably before acting. They consider ramifications and consequences of their words and deeds in order to avoid actions with poor outcomes.
4. A gentleman is insightful: A true mark of nobility of character indicative of a gentleman is the ability to consider one’s own past actions dispassionately, with an eye towards lessons learned and improvements in the future.
5. A gentleman is helpful: The true gentleman does not shirk from helping others in need, without the expectation of praise or recompense.
6. A gentleman has resolve: Spine. Backbone. Inner strength. Whatever you want to call it, a gentleman stands for what he believes in and does not back down from the criticism of fools.
7. A gentleman is polite: Any gentleman worth the name uses the correct forms of address when speaking to others, and is mindful of topics of conversation that might make others unnecessarily uncomfortable.
8. A gentleman is respectful: Especially to women, a gentleman treats others with dignity and respect. When necessary, the gentleman works to find out what dignity and respect might mean to peoples or cultures with which he is unfamiliar. Did I mention that this applies especially to the treatment of women?
9. A gentleman is honorable: He means what he says and acts on his promises.
10. A gentleman is careful: He takes cares of his possessions and his appearance, and is mindful of his responsibilities. Note that this does not mean he presents himself every day in a three-piece suit. A careful man simply does not permit unneeded damage to his property or person, and takes care of those who depend on him.

That’s a pretty solid list that should hold up for some time to come. Now let’s look at the flip side, and then we’ll touch on the final quality of a gentleman.

Things that Disqualify a Gentleman

There are a number of things that we can do to disqualify ourselves as gentleman. Remember, though, that as with most qualities I consider being a “gentleman” to be conditional and impermanent, so it’s perfectly possible to disqualify yourself from the brotherhood of gentlemen at one point in your life and make sufficient amends that you might be a gentleman again later on. Similarly, someone who is a gentleman but starts doing any of these things is no longer a gentleman. Unsurprisingly, this is mostly an inversion of the previous list:

1. Gentlemen are not cruel: You cannot be cruel to men, women, children, or animals and claim to be a gentleman. This is because cruelty implies unnecessary harm, the unthinking exercise of power over the powerless, or gross unfairness to others, none of which are gentlemanly qualities.
2. Gentlemen are not miserly: You cannot hoard wealth or goods and call yourself a gentleman. Hoarding implies a lack of generosity or poor control of self, neither of which is a gentlemanly approach to things.
3. Gentlemen are not reckless: You cannot act without thought and consider yourself a gentleman. To act without thought is to act without understanding consequences, which is virtually guaranteed to harm others or make unneeded enemies.
4. Gentlemen are not vain: You cannot be self-centered and consider yourself a gentleman. A gentleman cares for himself and his appearance, but not to the exclusion of others or the exclusion of other gentlemanly qualities.
5. Gentlemen are not indifferent: You cannot ignore suffering in the world or your responsibilities to others and consider yourself a gentleman. Indifference to others is just low-level evil waiting to happen, and a gentleman strives to avoid being evil.
6. Gentlemen are not fools: You cannot be morally weak and consider yourself a gentleman. If you are consistently swayed by the last argument you heard, or find yourself backing down from necessary confrontation, you are no gentleman. If you believe what you want to believe, as opposed to what the evidence suggests is true, you are no gentleman.
7. Gentlemen are not rude: Rudeness implies both disrespect and feckless word choices. A gentleman condones neither. If a gentleman doesn’t know how to be polite in a certain situation, they either find out or remain silent.
8. Gentlemen are not tyrants: A tyrant wishes to impose their will on the world irrespective of the views, goals, or desires of others. A gentleman actively seeks harmony and cooperation with others. They are diametrically opposed viewpoints.
9. Gentlemen are not liars: To go against your word or maliciously mislead others is conduct antithetical to being a gentleman.
10. Gentlemen are not slovenly: No gentleman allows their possessions to fall into needless disrepair or accumulate filth, if it is at all possible to prevent such situations.

Now, having read that list, I’m sure you found at least one thing that disqualified you from being a gentleman at one point in your life or another. I certainly will put my hand up to recklessness and indifference at points in my past. But there is one quality that we haven’t discussed which is absolutely vital to being a gentlemen, and it’s the one that makes up for the times when we fall off the wagon.

The Final Quality of a Gentleman

The final thing that you need in order to be a gentleman is simple, straightforward, and will constitute one of the more serious challenges in your life. It is:

A gentlemen seeks improvement.

No matter your situation, no matter your past, a gentleman is one who seeks to improve. To improve their life and livelihood. To improve their relationships. To improve their self. To improve their community. To improve their world. To strive. Without this motivation, it all falls apart.

If you would seek to become a gentleman, improve. If you can do that, the rest of the list will come in time.

And with that, good day to you, sir.

If you liked this article, check out the Modern Survival Guide, Volume I, and my current work on Volume II! It’s an utterly random assortment of things I think people ought to know; there’s something in there for everyone.

¹This wasn’t always the case, of course, but society has moved on a bit from the caste systems of the past.

²Like this article I found when researching this topic, which has elements of “alpha male” bullshit and visual presentations of extreme wealth that are immediately at odds with the courtesy required of a gentleman and the inclusive nature of the concept.